empty journal asking: what it is i want for me?
trying not to dodge the question
yet i still find myself wandering
doing all that i can to live honestly
when there’s just so much i want from me
my expectations are high
i don’t want this pass
i just don’t want to spectate from the side
and let the days go on by
i know what i’m supposed to be
so i won’t embrace any lies
accepting praise and support
all the things i wouldn’t dare take before
but now
i’m a new person
with new worth and new burdens
seeing through a new perspective
with a new purpose and new imperfections
and at the same time it’s still me
while the past that brought me hurt
no longer make me guilty

A. Hymn || 9/18/2016

sometimes i find myself wishing for retribution
then self-doubt turns around
forcing me to think i’ve met delusion
and with all that i’ve been through
i feel like the universe has a standard i can’t live to
taking me from myself, there’s just a presence i can’t give you
taking in tenfold
at times i want to give up
at times i want to make this hand fold
trust me when i say it’s just me
self-made, self-cared, self-loved
i just want someone to take over the wheel
there’s been so much love i’ve steered myself from
i don’t want my love to be seldom
i just want to be welcomed
without making an entrance
yet i see all those that i’ve touched and it’s senseless
i love them all
i don’t need the attention
i just don’t want this need to be endless

A. Hymn || a prayer

the inner conflicts that sunder my wit
the many pains i worn under my skin
spawned into a wonderful gift
a heart — where all my suffering lived
that forces me to find something to give
the type of loving that lifts

one night
i had a talk with my mom that was worth so much
she told me no matter how much i was hurt from love
even if it hurt so much
she knows i’d never return the favor just to hurt those loved
seeing right through me
despite how cold my front
she knows i’d always put love first as i hold my tongue
so proud of how bold i’ve come
so proud of life
the old die young because they live in the moment

despite everything
i could’ve chose resentment
chose repentance
chose dependence
but instead
i chose acceptance
chose intention
chose my sentences
speaking love with nothing else on my breath
let them know i’ve never held onto stress
now learning to not settle for less
now learning to want more for myself
traveling every single road that is left

A. Hymn || my heart is here


i suppose life can even make wise men fools
see i never once felt i could confide in you
maybe it’s the distance
maybe it’s a disconnect
but despite all the things that i’ve been through
i’ve got so many words to say
and it’s just myself that i write them to
while your actions make me reconsider what nice friends do

yet i reconsider love and second chances
just one more song to get a second dance in
hopefully once the music stops things will balance
maybe then thinking about you wouldn’t make me anxious
just know i don’t worry because i’m scared
i worry because i care

A. Hymn || just know