late at night, tallying up the score
trying to understand life
trying to understand what love is for
thinking of all the people i’ve missed
all the feelings i should deplore
wondering what good is more?
accepting whatever happens
it’s been only me, so i can only start with love
and i could never have less
when i live and still feel so much

i was caught up in the moment
but no longer too into it
knowing if it doesn’t hold onto me, don’t hold on to it
detach but learn to intuit
and once the pain stops
let the hurt give you movement
then only trust your words if you can prove them
new spaces, new pages
new graces, new ages
letting go gets better each day
because the memories stay
but the feelings that were meant to remain
will gently fade

in the end, blood dries
in the end, love dies
in the end, doves fly

A. Hymn || in the end

when i search for balance
solitude is my fuel
living by self-love, pardon my creed
see i’d rather keep silent than to spar with my speech
closeted thoughts with my heart on my sleeve
but pain is progress, each scar is a seed
forward moving no matter how far i can’t see
resilience is hard to defeat when you’ve felt more
than you’ve ever seen
that’s why i channel everything to being a better me
a stroke of humility, rarely have i petted greed
give all that i can now and worry later about a pedigree
reliable most say they could bet on me
and if they can’t that’s a bet to me
do right then let it be
so when i search for balance
let me go then let me be

A. Hymn || 10/7/2016

i’m everywhere i never thought i’d be
unlearning everything that was taught to me
surviving life’s conditions and complications
inner monlogues turn to conversations
the talks with my soul
assure me i’ll never walk in the cold
because on those days
where i feel like i’m approaching my end
i grip harder and take hold of myself
despite the weight of the world
despite the weight of the hurt
i shouldered the press
despite my imperfections molded to flesh
i showed them my best

A. Hymn || 9/22/2016

dreams that i’m afraid to live
love that i’m afraid to give
paths that i’m afraid to travel
flaws i’m afraid to battle
newly rid of my older shell
if i know nothing else
at least i know myself
more love, more days
more hope, more pains
that’s what i told myself
currently learning to let go
unlearning the ways i tend to hold myself
holding myself from others that want me
i carry the many things that life taught me
despite their trust
i know i’d want somebody
but
my sights are set on me
nothing left to do but keep going
keep going
even if i can feel the creep slowing
keep going

keep going
keep going

A. Hymn || keep going

sometimes i find myself wishing for retribution
then self-doubt turns around
forcing me to think i’ve met delusion
and with all that i’ve been through
i feel like the universe has a standard i can’t live to
taking me from myself, there’s just a presence i can’t give you
taking in tenfold
at times i want to give up
at times i want to make this hand fold
trust me when i say it’s just me
self-made, self-cared, self-loved
i just want someone to take over the wheel
there’s been so much love i’ve steered myself from
i don’t want my love to be seldom
i just want to be welcomed
without making an entrance
yet i see all those that i’ve touched and it’s senseless
i love them all
i don’t need the attention
i just don’t want this need to be endless

A. Hymn || a prayer

the inner conflicts that sunder my wit
the many pains i worn under my skin
spawned into a wonderful gift
a heart — where all my suffering lived
that forces me to find something to give
the type of loving that lifts

one night
i had a talk with my mom that was worth so much
she told me no matter how much i was hurt from love
even if it hurt so much
she knows i’d never return the favor just to hurt those loved
seeing right through me
despite how cold my front
she knows i’d always put love first as i hold my tongue
so proud of how bold i’ve come
so proud of life
the old die young because they live in the moment

despite everything
i could’ve chose resentment
chose repentance
chose dependence
but instead
i chose acceptance
chose intention
chose my sentences
speaking love with nothing else on my breath
let them know i’ve never held onto stress
now learning to not settle for less
now learning to want more for myself
traveling every single road that is left

A. Hymn || my heart is here